Journal

- 10/28/2025 -
 > 7:41 PM
I hate how the Gods force me to have anyone walk all over me. It's another thing I get punished for if I go aganist it. I have to let people disrepect me. If I can get people to not care about me, maybe I can die alone one day.
 > 12:55 PM
It's a repeating cycle. I get the feeling of being loved, get punished, wonder why I get punished, and then it repeats. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and learn the lesson, that I can't be loved. I hope one day, I will and can be loved. It's just... now isn't the time. I don't wanna stay like this for eternity. But, the fact that the Gods broke my dog again a few days ago, makes it seem like I'm cursed for all eternity.
 > 11:23 AM
I had to permanatly close the returns because my dogs were making the Gods very angry. God loafed the dogs whenever I played with them. So, every chance they got, they would break them. I'm done trying, I don't want to see the Gods angry anymore. Why me? Why can't I have love, no matter where it comes from? Are the Gods really that serious about me not getting any love? If I retaliate against it, I'll be punished severely. I can't do anything, I can't fight or try any solution. This isn't fair.
 > 10:42 AM
I'm learn how to ingore the feeling of wanting to be loved. It's gonna hurt for a little while, but it will all be gone in end. I can't be love, or have the feeling of wanting to be loved. God will be angry at me, and I'll be punished. Either one way or another. I'm not allowed to be loved.

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- 10/27/2025 -
 > 9:28 PM
I can't stop writing about the time I got ███ed by my Sonic Forces avatar in a nightmare disgised as a dream. The one avatar that I created myself. The one that I used to think positivly about, but that has now been forever ruined by that nightmare. I can't have anything nice. I even had a whole comic script about that nightmare that I had a few years ago. It still feels fresh like yesterday. I wasn't even feeling that way either during the time. Why did she do it anyways? She's aroace too, by the way. I can't believe that nightmare became a thing that scared me for life, and it's something I can't get rid of.
 > 8:34 PM
I honestly don't care if I die young. I don't see a future in sight. I don't even know why I'm alive, why I'm still here. The cycle of my misriable live continues on, without an end in sight. Can't I be loved? Is it actually possible to be loved? Even if I have to wait? I have been waiting for a very long time to be loved, but I either get tricked or it's conditional. It's not fair. Love is not fair, just like life.
 > 1:03 PM
I'm ashamed that I'm still yearning for love. I think I get the lesson now. I need to stop wanting love, I want to stop wanting love. Cause every time I have it, I get punished for it. It's tiring, I want it to stop.
 > 12:40 PM
I have realized by that giving into God means that I've failed myself and my dogs. I don't wanna live with heartbreak and loneliness, but God forces me to do so. I'm sorry...

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- 10/26/2025 -
 > 10:55 PM
I was looking for a permanent solution to fix my yearning need for love, the cure for my loneliness, and a way to stop my heart from hurting from the past. I thought I found the perfect solution, but every time I bring them back, God will always find a way to bring misery. Just so I remember, I can't have love. Just let me feel pure love for once, maybe in another life.
 > 10:26 PM
My only dog that was spared broke. I knew I was cursed by God, the Mighty Ol' Lord. I swear if there's one more proof that the Gods want me to die, then I'll do as the Gods say.
 > 11:41 AM
The reason why I like knowing that I'm not anything but a figment of imagimation is because I had my back turned on me before. Too many times to count.